Birthdays From The Grave

January 9th. This Sunday. My mom would have been 54.


What do you do on the first birthday of someone who has passed? Throw a mini party? Look for a card you will never send? Cry?

I am not sure since this is the first time I have ever experienced it.


Things have been going good on the aspect of my Mom lately. Too good, at least that is how I feel. After awhile, things just kinda seem normal without her now. That sounds terrible, but I am just trying to be real. How can I dwell on the time without her, when I really did have a lot of time with her?
Don't get me wrong, I miss her A LOT. But after awhile, I realize, I am alive. I have living to do.
There will always be a lingering of my Mom everywhere in my life, but what good does it do me to be sad about it all the time?

Now, it does seem like I am so casually saying these comments like I am over the whole my Mom passing away thing. It is not like that. I am not like this all time. Shoot, not even the majority of the time! These words and phrases are something I feel I should to be telling myself.
There is always something in my life to remind me of her. But I feel like, why be sad about those things? Why not take that memory, scent, picture-whatever it may be-and store it in your memory, or better yet, a journal? That way you will always have something to turn to when you are down and miss her.


My beliefs are being tested from this past year until now. I know my opinions on life and death may offend some people, but I do not apologize for what I believe. Nor should anyone else, but I also do not look down on others for their beliefs, nor should anyone else. 
For a long time I have not believed there was a heaven or there was a hell. My belief in God has not been in my mind for a long time. I am not trying to push buttons by saying this, this is honestly something that I have just felt to my core being for a long time.


Seeing someone pass is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a movie. Deep dramatic breathes, tearful goodbyes-but it was nothing like that. Simply, just the stopping of breathe. No sad music, no angels appearing, just silence.


Most believe she is an angel in heaven. Which I do tell my kids. I tell them this because as a kid, when someone passed away and my mom told me they were in heaven, it made me feel a lot better. Whether I believed it at the time or not. The kids and I even send balloons up to Oma on special occasions so she knows what is happening down here (or so my kids say). That is a comfort thing for them.
But I also tell my kids that everyone has a soul. And that the soul is who you are. That soul is an energy and energy never dies. Which, to me, is also spirit. A spirit can manifest itself into whatever it's next life is to be. Part of me believes in this, part of me doesn't. But right now I find comfort in this for some reason. When they get older, I will get into the deeper stuff. At 6 and 3, this is all they can handle right now.

I also believe your body is not made up to live forever. That is just life. Accidents happen, disease happens, cancer happens. This is the body you live in and once your heart is not beating to sustain it's life, then you are gone. That is why viewings at funeral's are a little creepy to me. That is a just a body. Not that actual "person" you are missing. But I do understand, for some, a viewing is seeing the person for the last time and remembering their time with them. 

Some may say your energy, or spirit, moves onto heaven. My previous thought of your spirit moving into another being or life force can probably be seen as the same thing. But as I said, I really only half believe that.


I have a mish mosh of things swirling in my head! (Confusing? I know!) I still can't say that I have a concrete belief in what happens to you after you pass. Or if anything even does happen. But does anyone really? I think what someone believes has to do a lot with personal comfort. The comfort in believing that we have some place after earth is helpful to people in times of sadness and stress.

We all will pass (which has been more of an in-your-face-reality to me this past year). Maybe it is helpful to just have the comfort in knowing something will happen to you. But it is actually more comforting to me, to know that I do not have to be a saint, or if I am considered a sinner the only one to be able to judge me, is me.

When I pass, maybe my soul will just become love and whenever you think of me and feel that love, you know I am there. That is what my Mom has become. That feeling of Love. Because in the end you are who are and the mark you have left on other's will be the most lasting memory after you are gone.

There is no real ending to these thoughts. Maybe I am just having them and being tested because I do need to do some research as to what I believe. I just know what feels comfortable to me and what doesn't. I am not ashamed of my beliefs and I am not saying I am right or wrong. They feel right to me and that is all that matters. Because in the end all there is, is me and my thoughts.

Yet, I will probably still get a Happy Birthday balloon to send up to Oma. Just so my kids will always have something to remember her birthday by.

First Post, I know you are excited!

Well, hello! I have always wanted to start a blog, but never thought that anyone would be interested in the things that I am interested in. After searching around, I found that there are a lot of blogs out there that I really enjoy! But they did not put together EVERYTHING that I like to look at and do. I was looking at one blog here, another blog there. I was thinking, "If they were all just on one blog that would be so much easier!". So, here I am creating my own blog. So bare with me if it is a little newbie-ish, but hopefully I will become a seasoned bloggess and you will enjoy this as much as I will.

This year only has a couple months left and boy, am I glad about that!! There has been so much stress, death,and  negative things happening to me and everyone I talk to. My motto for this year is

"2010 can kiss my butt!".

This year started off pretty rough for me. My Mom had a cancer diagnosis in 2000. She had Kidney Cancer and one of her kidney's were removed. She was cancer free for those ten years and then had her Thyroid removed due to polyps found in her thyroid. Those polyps came back with 3 different types of cancer, one including the Kidney Cancer. It came to be that the Kidney Cancer had spread to her thyroid, pancreas, liver and was in Stage 4. Everything went very fast and we lost her very early at the age of 53 on May 24th, 2010. 

My Mom is one of 10 kids! *Yes I have a huge family!* She was one of the hubs for everyone in the family. She was fun loving and an awesome Oma (grandma in German, she insisted my sons called her that, very cute) to her grandkids and loved all of her nieces and nephews.

My Mom holding me, one day old.

Oma and my son oldest son

 She was a Cancer survivor for many years. She also had Ovarian Cancer when I was in high school.

I miss her more than words can say.

 I see a lot of my Mom in myself (whether I like it or not!). Her nickname was Crazy Mary, if that tells you anything of how fun she was. She loved joking around, dancing, and knew how to get a party started. I hope to carry on that legacy :)

 I deal with her passing day by day and hope to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone else out there who has also lost a parent sooner than they expected.

I am currently reading this book, and so far, it is very helpful.

I will also be turning 30! this year! With that, and my Mom passing I have decided to just live life to my best definition of happiness. I have to say, I am still learning. But I am really starting to live by the motto-

You only live once!

Here are a few things that I have been doing to be the person I want to be:

 Dreads!! I began my dread process a couple weeks ago and let me tell you, it is a process! Everyone says let them be, but I have been a hairstylist for 7 years and I am leaving them alone to my best ability. What inspired me is the blog theorganicsister.com. But I got a lot of info on starting them from here. I will let you know how my dreaded journey goes throughout this blog.

The Future Begins Here

I also LOVE tattoos! I have 6 so far, these are my most recent:

One of my best friends, who is a hairdresser too, and I got matching ones. On our inner arms.

I think peacock feathers are beautiful and they also symbolize change in a person's life.

I am hoping there will be more tattoos to follow.

I also LOVE thrifting! I am hoping to get some skirts and dresses with fun patterns and revamp them with my *beginner* tailoring skills! Here are a few of my finds.

All of these clothes plus two shirts, and 3 sheets with fun patterns that I will upcycle

 into something else, for $34! Right On!

*bear with me, my camera is getting fixed and this is a phone pic*

I will end with some things that are keeping me interested and busy!

• My kids cannot get enough of this homemade playdough
• I am going to make a bunch of these upcycled aprons for Christmas presents
• Great way to recycle your movies, books, and video games.
• Purchased one of these, and received it in the mail yesterday can't wait to wear it tomorrow!