Birthdays From The Grave

January 9th. This Sunday. My mom would have been 54.


What do you do on the first birthday of someone who has passed? Throw a mini party? Look for a card you will never send? Cry?

I am not sure since this is the first time I have ever experienced it.


Things have been going good on the aspect of my Mom lately. Too good, at least that is how I feel. After awhile, things just kinda seem normal without her now. That sounds terrible, but I am just trying to be real. How can I dwell on the time without her, when I really did have a lot of time with her?
Don't get me wrong, I miss her A LOT. But after awhile, I realize, I am alive. I have living to do.
There will always be a lingering of my Mom everywhere in my life, but what good does it do me to be sad about it all the time?

Now, it does seem like I am so casually saying these comments like I am over the whole my Mom passing away thing. It is not like that. I am not like this all time. Shoot, not even the majority of the time! These words and phrases are something I feel I should to be telling myself.
There is always something in my life to remind me of her. But I feel like, why be sad about those things? Why not take that memory, scent, picture-whatever it may be-and store it in your memory, or better yet, a journal? That way you will always have something to turn to when you are down and miss her.


My beliefs are being tested from this past year until now. I know my opinions on life and death may offend some people, but I do not apologize for what I believe. Nor should anyone else, but I also do not look down on others for their beliefs, nor should anyone else. 
For a long time I have not believed there was a heaven or there was a hell. My belief in God has not been in my mind for a long time. I am not trying to push buttons by saying this, this is honestly something that I have just felt to my core being for a long time.


Seeing someone pass is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a movie. Deep dramatic breathes, tearful goodbyes-but it was nothing like that. Simply, just the stopping of breathe. No sad music, no angels appearing, just silence.


Most believe she is an angel in heaven. Which I do tell my kids. I tell them this because as a kid, when someone passed away and my mom told me they were in heaven, it made me feel a lot better. Whether I believed it at the time or not. The kids and I even send balloons up to Oma on special occasions so she knows what is happening down here (or so my kids say). That is a comfort thing for them.
But I also tell my kids that everyone has a soul. And that the soul is who you are. That soul is an energy and energy never dies. Which, to me, is also spirit. A spirit can manifest itself into whatever it's next life is to be. Part of me believes in this, part of me doesn't. But right now I find comfort in this for some reason. When they get older, I will get into the deeper stuff. At 6 and 3, this is all they can handle right now.

I also believe your body is not made up to live forever. That is just life. Accidents happen, disease happens, cancer happens. This is the body you live in and once your heart is not beating to sustain it's life, then you are gone. That is why viewings at funeral's are a little creepy to me. That is a just a body. Not that actual "person" you are missing. But I do understand, for some, a viewing is seeing the person for the last time and remembering their time with them. 

Some may say your energy, or spirit, moves onto heaven. My previous thought of your spirit moving into another being or life force can probably be seen as the same thing. But as I said, I really only half believe that.


I have a mish mosh of things swirling in my head! (Confusing? I know!) I still can't say that I have a concrete belief in what happens to you after you pass. Or if anything even does happen. But does anyone really? I think what someone believes has to do a lot with personal comfort. The comfort in believing that we have some place after earth is helpful to people in times of sadness and stress.

We all will pass (which has been more of an in-your-face-reality to me this past year). Maybe it is helpful to just have the comfort in knowing something will happen to you. But it is actually more comforting to me, to know that I do not have to be a saint, or if I am considered a sinner the only one to be able to judge me, is me.

When I pass, maybe my soul will just become love and whenever you think of me and feel that love, you know I am there. That is what my Mom has become. That feeling of Love. Because in the end you are who are and the mark you have left on other's will be the most lasting memory after you are gone.

There is no real ending to these thoughts. Maybe I am just having them and being tested because I do need to do some research as to what I believe. I just know what feels comfortable to me and what doesn't. I am not ashamed of my beliefs and I am not saying I am right or wrong. They feel right to me and that is all that matters. Because in the end all there is, is me and my thoughts.

Yet, I will probably still get a Happy Birthday balloon to send up to Oma. Just so my kids will always have something to remember her birthday by.

Tie Dye and Time

I love getting snail mail! It's so much more fun to get a letter or package in the mail, whether you are expecting it or not. I purchased a head wrap on Etsy.com from Scarlette Rose Fairy.  It was my first package from Australia! It was so beautifully packaged that it made my day.

The little <3's are so cute!

*pretty package*

Comfy, Cozy Dreadsters

Real, true mail sent to a person for no reason is rare these days. That is why I am going to revive this and just start sending out cards, packages, gifts, etc. to those that I love.

Who will you send something to?

I also revived some boring, white baby onesies.

I had some left over dye and decided to tie dye them for my niece who I will be meeting for the first time in two weeks when we go and visit family in Arizona.

Here's how it went:

Two projects I started. (the one on the left will be for another post.)

I used the Tulip brand tie dye kit. You can purchase these in different colors at any craft store. As I said, I was using left over dye from another project, so the only colors I had were green, purple, and pink. I put the powdered dye into the bottles, filled with warm water, shook, and I was ready to dye!

I began by laying a screen (or something that the dye can pass thru easily) over the sink. I then sprayed each side of the fabric with a water bottle to get it damp. Just wet enough to twist and fold easier.

Back in the day, I used to cramp up my hands by twisting little sections and rubber banding the heck out of the fabric. I learned an easier way by just twisting, turning, or folding the damp fabric and securing with just a few rubber bands. Much easier on the hands and less time consuming!

*sorry about the lighting, using a cheaper camera until my better one gets fixed*

I then took the dye and squirted it where I wanted the color(s) to be.

After each one was finished, I put it into a plastic bag to sit over night. Make sure each one is separate unless you don't mind if the colors bleed into each other.

I made 12 all together!

I let them sit overnight. 8 hrs is ideal.

In the morning (and better lighting) I removed them from their bags and ran hot water over them before taking the rubber bands off, and also after removing the rubber bands. Just long enough so the water running into the sink is pretty much clear.

After rinsing.

I then washed them on the hot cycle, dried them on low and they are done!

I may add a few cute things here and there to them, but I think they look pretty good on their own!

I am queen of multitasking, so as I was doing this project I was watching

The Time Traveler's Wife for the first time.

Now, this is one of my favorite books!! I have read it three times. So, I know this isn't a new movie, but I was hesitant to watch it since 9 times out of 10 I like the book way more than the movie.

But...I really, really liked this movie! I felt the characters looked similar to how I pictured them in my head : )And the way they showed the time travels and the emotions involved with them were right on!

Yet, it kinda makes me want to read the book again :).

I still haven't read Unconditional Parenting. *whoops* Maybe I should actually read  a book before mentioning it on my blog. But I always have good intentions of reading a book and then never get to it. *maybe because I am on the Internet too much and/or have two small boys* When I do get to it, you will be the first to know.

Although, I did start reading a book called The Why? Cafe. I started reading this one because it was also on The Organic Sisters book store and it seems like a short read. Plus, it has sold over a million copies. I am only a chapter into it, but it has caught my attention.

 Where I am now in the book, a man got lost while driving on far back roads and ends up at a diner in the middle of nowhere. On the back of the menu there are three questions;

 "Why are you here? Do you fear death? Are you fulfilled?"

Ok. If there is anyone out there who hasn't thought about these questions at least once in their lives, then maybe you should pick this book up.

Like I said, I haven't finished the book (yet), but it really does make me think about who I am so far.

Maybe I am just at a point in my life where these thoughts have come about at the right time or they have been pushed on me due to the situations I have gone thru in the past year. But, don't you just ever feel like you are at a turning point? Or that you feel something will change, or needs to be changed? But just don't know what it is? Or how to do it?

I am definitely there. These are questions I ask myself a lot lately:

"Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? What will I put up with? Where am I going with my life? Where will I be in ten years? What do I have to do now to be where I feel I should be in the future? Not just physically-but emotionally, spiritually?"

Now I do not in the least have all the answers to these questions. But I do feel like I am willing to do the work to find the answers.

I am not very big on sharing my emotions with just everyone. Oddly, I am doing it on a blog for all to read. But maybe I am supposed to be doing this. Maybe this is to help me get those thoughts I cannot put into spoken words, out for others to relate to. Self healing, maybe? Connections to others? Probably.

 Maybe feeling alone, reaching for someone else to feel the same as me? For sure.

Whatever the reasons for anything I do right now, and even though I may not be as happy as I was or will be, I do feel like I am at a turning point. And should be here.

Yes I may be a little lost, or feel as though I am in the middle of something unknown. But I am comfortable here for now. Because I know that it can't stay this way forever. Sooner or later I have to turn and go one way. Whether I am pushed, or if I choose to put one foot in front of the other, and just be who I am supposed to be. It will happen.

I will end with some things that have caught my attention:

• I <3 PBS! And this show was actually really good!
• I get so many ideas (and have done so many projects) from here
• Thinking of getting one of these for my coupons
• If you have EVER went rollerskating when you were younger, you need to watch this!
• Heard this on the radio the other day and thought of my mom listening to this CD over and over