Birthdays From The Grave

January 9th. This Sunday. My mom would have been 54.


What do you do on the first birthday of someone who has passed? Throw a mini party? Look for a card you will never send? Cry?

I am not sure since this is the first time I have ever experienced it.


Things have been going good on the aspect of my Mom lately. Too good, at least that is how I feel. After awhile, things just kinda seem normal without her now. That sounds terrible, but I am just trying to be real. How can I dwell on the time without her, when I really did have a lot of time with her?
Don't get me wrong, I miss her A LOT. But after awhile, I realize, I am alive. I have living to do.
There will always be a lingering of my Mom everywhere in my life, but what good does it do me to be sad about it all the time?

Now, it does seem like I am so casually saying these comments like I am over the whole my Mom passing away thing. It is not like that. I am not like this all time. Shoot, not even the majority of the time! These words and phrases are something I feel I should to be telling myself.
There is always something in my life to remind me of her. But I feel like, why be sad about those things? Why not take that memory, scent, picture-whatever it may be-and store it in your memory, or better yet, a journal? That way you will always have something to turn to when you are down and miss her.


My beliefs are being tested from this past year until now. I know my opinions on life and death may offend some people, but I do not apologize for what I believe. Nor should anyone else, but I also do not look down on others for their beliefs, nor should anyone else. 
For a long time I have not believed there was a heaven or there was a hell. My belief in God has not been in my mind for a long time. I am not trying to push buttons by saying this, this is honestly something that I have just felt to my core being for a long time.


Seeing someone pass is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a movie. Deep dramatic breathes, tearful goodbyes-but it was nothing like that. Simply, just the stopping of breathe. No sad music, no angels appearing, just silence.


Most believe she is an angel in heaven. Which I do tell my kids. I tell them this because as a kid, when someone passed away and my mom told me they were in heaven, it made me feel a lot better. Whether I believed it at the time or not. The kids and I even send balloons up to Oma on special occasions so she knows what is happening down here (or so my kids say). That is a comfort thing for them.
But I also tell my kids that everyone has a soul. And that the soul is who you are. That soul is an energy and energy never dies. Which, to me, is also spirit. A spirit can manifest itself into whatever it's next life is to be. Part of me believes in this, part of me doesn't. But right now I find comfort in this for some reason. When they get older, I will get into the deeper stuff. At 6 and 3, this is all they can handle right now.

I also believe your body is not made up to live forever. That is just life. Accidents happen, disease happens, cancer happens. This is the body you live in and once your heart is not beating to sustain it's life, then you are gone. That is why viewings at funeral's are a little creepy to me. That is a just a body. Not that actual "person" you are missing. But I do understand, for some, a viewing is seeing the person for the last time and remembering their time with them. 

Some may say your energy, or spirit, moves onto heaven. My previous thought of your spirit moving into another being or life force can probably be seen as the same thing. But as I said, I really only half believe that.


I have a mish mosh of things swirling in my head! (Confusing? I know!) I still can't say that I have a concrete belief in what happens to you after you pass. Or if anything even does happen. But does anyone really? I think what someone believes has to do a lot with personal comfort. The comfort in believing that we have some place after earth is helpful to people in times of sadness and stress.

We all will pass (which has been more of an in-your-face-reality to me this past year). Maybe it is helpful to just have the comfort in knowing something will happen to you. But it is actually more comforting to me, to know that I do not have to be a saint, or if I am considered a sinner the only one to be able to judge me, is me.

When I pass, maybe my soul will just become love and whenever you think of me and feel that love, you know I am there. That is what my Mom has become. That feeling of Love. Because in the end you are who are and the mark you have left on other's will be the most lasting memory after you are gone.

There is no real ending to these thoughts. Maybe I am just having them and being tested because I do need to do some research as to what I believe. I just know what feels comfortable to me and what doesn't. I am not ashamed of my beliefs and I am not saying I am right or wrong. They feel right to me and that is all that matters. Because in the end all there is, is me and my thoughts.

Yet, I will probably still get a Happy Birthday balloon to send up to Oma. Just so my kids will always have something to remember her birthday by.

This Blog is Making Me....

This blog is making me accomplish things that I have gotten off track from doing! I used to be such an avid reader and since starting this blog, I feel like I have to finish what I started. I can't leave you guys hanging :).

I finished "The Why Cafe" book. I haven't actually finished a book in awhile! And this book couldn't have come to me at a better time. It was an easy read, but really made me think about who I am.

I have been a stay at home mom for over a year now. At first it was frustrating. I felt cooped up and a bit on edge. I have now become accustomed to it. I feel I have embraced my stay at home mom-ness.
Yet, it brought me to think about my future. What will I do, or where will I be when my kids are both in school?
I am a natural busy body, as you can tell from the projects I do. But those projects are more for my well being. They are things I enjoy doing, but don't feel like they are my true future. Yes, I may be doing crafts and sewing when I am older and my kids are in school, but I feel something different for myself as to what I want to do professionally. As I have mentioned before I am a hairdresser part-part time. I say part-part time because I do my job a few times a month. I really do like it and have been doing it almost 8 years. It is a trade I will have forever in my mind, but I feel something else in my future. This is where 'The Why Cafe' comes into play. This book focused on these three questions:

Why are you here?

Do you fear death?

Are you fulfilled?

There were many parts of this book that resonated with me, but I am going to talk just about one part for this post. The question "Do you fear death?" This was a small chapter in this book, but obviously this is a question close to me. Here is an excerpt from the chapter:

"Do you fear death?...Most people do."

"I don't know," I replied. "It seems like there's a lot to do in life, and I don't want to die before I have a chance to do all the things I want."

"Most people don't have the concept of death at the forefront of their thinking every day. But subconsciously they know that with the passage of each day, they are one day closer to not having a chance to do the things they want in life. So they fear that day that exists in the future when they will no longer have the chance. They fear the day they will die."

"But it doesn't have to be like that, does it? I mean if someone asked themselves why they are here, chose the things they want to do that would fill their Purpose For Existing, and then actually did them, then why would they dear death?

You can't fear not having the chance to do something if you have already done it, or are doing it everyday."

When I was younger I used to cry thinking about the day that I would die. Not just what would happen, but all of the things I would miss out doing in my life. Now, when I was younger, I thought being 30 was really old! But now that I will be turning 30, this excerpt really got to me.

Why fear death if you are doing everything that you want to do and being the person you want to be? Why wait around for retirement or when I have enough money to do things? Why not focus on the steps I have to make now to reach my Purpose For Existence?

The Purpose For Existence, or PFE is talked about a lot in the book. Here is a small definition of PFE in the book:

"When a person knows the reason they are here, they have identified their 'Purpose For Existence'. During someones lifetime, they may find they want to do ten, twenty, or hundreds of things to fulfill their PFE. They can do all of them. Our most fulfilled customers are the ones who know their PFE, and try all the activities they believe will fulfill them."

Now the book goes into much more depth about this topic, but what I got from it are the things I need to do in my life to fulfill my PFE. Which means doing the things I want to do to be happy. It doesn't mean buying a lot of stuff or spending a lot of money to feel fulfilled. Because in the end, those are just things and bought things are not happiness. It doesn't mean going to great lengths and stressing myself out trying to figure this out either. It means doing the things that seem interesting to me. The things that make me happy and my journey is figuring these things out. I would love to go back to school when both of my kids are in school full time and I see that as something that will make me happy and lead me in the right direction to my PFE. Also, I feel this blog is helping me be happy and that is all I am asking for at this moment. I didn't get my life's fulfillment from this book, but it did lead me to the right path and the right mindset to begin to be the future self I see in me. I do not have to fear death if I am choosing to do what I want to do to make me and my life a fulfilled one.

Are you doing what makes you happy? If not, what can you do today to start making yourself happy?

Something that does make me happy is sewing! Now, I have mentioned I am not at the highest level of sewing, but I do enjoy it and feel I do a decent job. This sewing project I got from Skiptomylou.org.

It is a 20 minute sewing project, Now the first one I made took me a little longer than 20 minutes, but the second one I made took me about that.

I have soooo much fabric that I think I will be doing some sewing in the next few weeks!

For this project you will need:

• Two 16 inch tall by 14 inch wide fabric panels
• 22 1/2 inch long fabric pieces
• Thread
• Scissors
• Pins
• Iron
• Sewing machine

First thing I did was cut two 16 in. tall by 14 in. wide panels from fabric. Make sure that if you are using a patterned fabric, that they are going the right direction on both panels. I also cut two 22 1/2-inch long pieces of fabric for the handles. *I don't have pictures of this* I folded the handle fabric in half and ironed. Then I unfolded what I just ironed and folded each side into the center line that I ironed and brought each folded side together to form a long piece of fabric with no raw edges, ironed again, and sewed down one side.

Pin the handles to the top raw edge of the right side of each panel 3 inches from the sides. The raw edges of the handles should match up with the raw edges of the top of the panel. The handles will be facing down as shown. Make sure the handles aren't twisted.

 Sew a zig zag stitch across the top edge, sewing the handle to the top edge. The zig zag stitch should be right at the edge of the fabric.

 Turn the panels so their wrong sides are facing up. Press and pin their top edges with the handles down 1 1/2 inches. Make sure to pin the handles perpendicular to the horizontal sides.

Sew this fold down a 1/4 inch from the top edge and then with a second seam, a 1/4 inch from the bottom zig zag stitch. The handle will now be attached and the top hem sewn down on both panels. Now you are ready to sew the bag together!

 Pin the right sides together and sew along the sides and bottom 1/2 inch from the raw edges. Back stitch at the beginning and end of each seam. Snip off bottom corners. Zig zag stitch along the raw edges of the sides and bottom of the bag. Make sure to stitch right along the edge to contain the threads from the raw edges.

. Now it is ready to be used as an alternative to a paper gift bag at Christmas, so it is like giving two gifts! Or as a lunch bag, grocery bag, purse, or play item for your kids!

If you make this project let me know!

One thing that I am excited about doing for the first time is:

Pictures of my finished ornaments will be up on a later post.

To end, here is a quote that I really like:

“Why should I fear death
If I am, Death is not
If Death is, I am not
Why should I fear that which could not exist when I do?”

Epicurus