I DID IT!

I did it! I got up on stage and read a personal story in front of 350 people. And I wasn't as much of a blubbery mess and I thought I was going to be!

I was SO! nervous too. Which I wasn't expecting, but it was a good nervous. I was given so many texts, cards, and phone calls of encouraging and loving words before the show. Those really got me through the nerves too! Many of my close friends and family came to the show and that meant so much to me. To get up there and share my story was such a great experience. I hope to be part of something this wonderful again.

My story was called "Some Good Advice" and was about me being able to not hold in all of my grief of losing my mom. It was about letting it all out, and it being ok to cry and that it is actually helpful.
The director of the show, Stephanie Precourt, mentioned that this show was about sharing our story and if one person was touched and could relate to it, then the show and our stories were a success.

After the show we all gathered in the lobby to "meet and greet" the audience as they left. I got lots of hugs and congratulations from those I knew that attended the show. I also got a lot of hugs and nods of knowing from women who said they liked my story because they also had lost their mom to cancer. But one woman really resonated with me throughout the night and today. I was standing there and she pointed at me and looked me straight in the eyes and said "You!". Since I didn't know her I thought maybe she was pointing to someone else until she came up to me and gave me a hug and told me in my ear," Thank you for your story. It really meant a lot to me. I lost my mom and I went shopping in Old Navy and saw other moms and daughters together and just started bawling!" She was my one person. She cemented the fact that I am not alone in the struggles of losing a mom, and neither is she. This made me so thankful that no matter how hard it was to go on stage and share my story, it was worth it to be truly heard and touched by that one person.

~~~

Thank you to all the strong beautiful women in the show that touched my heart and also everyone's heart in the audience last night. 

Especially thank you to everyone who attended and took something away from the show. I have heard nothing but positive comments from everyone who attended. 

And THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to Ann Imig for getting this started and Stephanie Precourt for being the amazing, organized, thoughtful and strong person she is!

Please check out all of the beautiful woman's blogs who were also in the show:

Liz Chatwell

Brenda Magnetti Erickson

Beth Fletcher

Katy Hoagland

Julia Huisman

Judy Miller

Jen Mitchell

Heather Curlee Novak

June Saavedra

Carrie Steinweg

Let's Be Honest

After attending the first run through of the LTYM show, I realized how many different moms there really are out there. I mean, yah I have kids and I am around moms a lot more than any other time in my life. But to hear a small tid bit of their mothering lives has dug a crevice in my brain and makes me think about myself as a mom.

Now, if it isn't hard enough to try to figure out who you are in life. I feel as though I am also figuring out how to be a mom in my life. Yes, I will always be A MOM. But what type of mom am I? I think that the description of what type of mom I am will be ever changing. But there is always be an underlying platform of what type of mom I am that I will stand on.

I wonder what type I am when I am witnessing moms with their children at the store. There are moms that will buy their kids anything and everything, ones that won't buy them anything and just let their child cry it out in the aisles, moms who will give lectures to their children on why they are or aren't getting a toy, moms that will yell or spank their children in the store, and moms that will calmly pat their child on their heads and speak in such a calming voice it is a bit scary (to which I think, are they really that nice all the time or are they putting a show on in the store?). I have been all of the above mentioned moms. So, where is it that I fit in again?

I would like to think all of us are at some point all of those moms, but I think that isn't true. There are parents that do not raise their voices to their kids. There are parents that don't go anywhere without their children. There are parents that cuss in front of their kids. And their are even parents that have a beer in front of their kids. Shocking, I know.

There will always be critics for any of the above parenting styles. My thing is, who frickin cares? And why do I care? Part of me thinks that how my parents treated me tend to play a role in who I am as a parents, but I also think that makes me NOT want to raise my kids as my parents did.

I guess I am thinking that moms are always put into a categories: hands-on mom, fun mom, non-spanking mom, let-your-kids-stay-up-late-watching-TV mom, drinking-when-your-kids-are-on-your-nerves mom, doing-everything-for-your-kids-and-not-yourself-mom, or even feeling-selfish-when-you-do-things-for-yourself-and-not-your-kids mom. And sometimes society (or family or ourselves) make us feel bad when we are not living up to one or more of their preconceived notions of a true and hearty MOM. I think that I fit all of these categories at one point or another in my life as a mom. I just hope that my boys will appreciate me and see all of the hard work I do for them to be happy. Also, I hope that they realize it on their own. Not when I reach a boiling point and I am crying and asking them if they realize all the stuff I do for them!

This has just been on my mind lately because I feel as though trying our best and feeling out ways that work and don't work is also a category of being a mom. I envy parents that have it all together (or seem as though they do). But I also think to each his own. Whatever works for you and whatever works for me is the way it is. It is just a different point of view.

Besides, what adult life would be complete without stories of your crazy mom.

I Just Helped Myself

My life has been feeling a little bit lost lately. Yes, I have an awesome, loving husband and two kick-butt boys, but don't you ever feel like something is just...off? I have been distant from my blog because I have been feeling this way. I didn't realize that I had been feeling off until yesterday, which just happened to by my Mom's birthday.

I was actually thankful to have a blog. That may sound odd and I never thought I would think that, but I wasn't really able to let go and get out all the sadness until I re-read some previous posts. I did tell myself that my blog would also play a role as a journal. A way to get what is in my mind out and maybe help others, and I guess me also. The posts I re-read really put me back to reality. I read them and honestly didn't remember the things I had wrote. Me reading them basically helped myself.

Being sad on certain "anniversaries" is going to be something that will be constant in my life and it is something that I am going to have to deal with forever. Although, the way I deal with it is the key to it all.

My goal is to rethink my thinking. Quit being so...lost. Find a path. Stick to it. Enjoy the mundane. Stop expecting too much from others and just expect more for myself. Just have a good cry and let it all out and start fresh the next day! These may seem so simple. But isn't it the simple things that just seem so damn hard to do??

There has been a lot of disconnection in my life lately. There could be a lot of thoughts brewing in my head how to get back at people or thoughts that would be cutting myself down just to try to make myself a marter. But what and who does that help? Definitely not me. What I read in a previous post really resonated with me,

"Outside circumstances should not define your life."

A simple quote, simply stated. Can it be simply followed? I guess we will see.

Life has it's ups and downs (that could possibly be something I have heard for as long as I can remember). How you deal with those ups and downs is key. I believe honesty, self-realization, and learning are all part of dealing with the ups and downs. The question is, can I push all the negative thoughts out and let what I have to do to stay positive and on the right track come first?

 This, I guess you could say will be my new year, new me mind track. I will focus on staying on this so I do not get lost in the sadness that we sometimes call life.

I will always miss my Mom and I will always wish she were here. Her spirit really does live on in all of the people that knew her, loved her and appreciated her for who she was.
I hope to be a person that will be appreciated for who I am.
Isn't that what we all want anyways?
Love and Miss you Crazy Mary.

Want to also re-read the posts that brought me back to reality?


-Everything isn't always cupcakes and unicorns
-Birthdays from the grave
-How to lead a happy life

The Hardest Work

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.”

― Sarah Dessen I received this quote in my email inbox, and to me it really rings true. I have been trying to break through my sadness since my Mom passed away and haven't had that much luck. A former happy image of myself comes to my mind a lot lately. I just want to be there again. I truly believe that the hardest thing to work on is yourself. We can judge others and see flaws in others that we think they need work on. We can give all the advice in the world to everyone else, but what help is it if we do not follow our own advice or the advice of those looking out for us? And what is it worth to give advice to anyone else if we can't take a little help on our end to better ourselves? I know I will be stronger when my road less travelled comes to an end. It is just the rough road that makes it harder to go down. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger-right? I am trying to get through a book called On Grief and Grieving: Finding The Meaning Of Grief Through The Five Stages Of Loss. I say I am trying to get through it because it just rings so true that I cry every other page. But maybe that is what I need to do. Just let it all out. Yet, that is the hardest thing for me to do. *Repeat: What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.*  Working thru my pain will be one of my biggest struggles and since I am not one to share that much about my tender emotions, it will be a hard thing to do. Wish me luck!

Birthdays From The Grave

January 9th. This Sunday. My mom would have been 54.


What do you do on the first birthday of someone who has passed? Throw a mini party? Look for a card you will never send? Cry?

I am not sure since this is the first time I have ever experienced it.


Things have been going good on the aspect of my Mom lately. Too good, at least that is how I feel. After awhile, things just kinda seem normal without her now. That sounds terrible, but I am just trying to be real. How can I dwell on the time without her, when I really did have a lot of time with her?
Don't get me wrong, I miss her A LOT. But after awhile, I realize, I am alive. I have living to do.
There will always be a lingering of my Mom everywhere in my life, but what good does it do me to be sad about it all the time?

Now, it does seem like I am so casually saying these comments like I am over the whole my Mom passing away thing. It is not like that. I am not like this all time. Shoot, not even the majority of the time! These words and phrases are something I feel I should to be telling myself.
There is always something in my life to remind me of her. But I feel like, why be sad about those things? Why not take that memory, scent, picture-whatever it may be-and store it in your memory, or better yet, a journal? That way you will always have something to turn to when you are down and miss her.


My beliefs are being tested from this past year until now. I know my opinions on life and death may offend some people, but I do not apologize for what I believe. Nor should anyone else, but I also do not look down on others for their beliefs, nor should anyone else. 
For a long time I have not believed there was a heaven or there was a hell. My belief in God has not been in my mind for a long time. I am not trying to push buttons by saying this, this is honestly something that I have just felt to my core being for a long time.


Seeing someone pass is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a movie. Deep dramatic breathes, tearful goodbyes-but it was nothing like that. Simply, just the stopping of breathe. No sad music, no angels appearing, just silence.


Most believe she is an angel in heaven. Which I do tell my kids. I tell them this because as a kid, when someone passed away and my mom told me they were in heaven, it made me feel a lot better. Whether I believed it at the time or not. The kids and I even send balloons up to Oma on special occasions so she knows what is happening down here (or so my kids say). That is a comfort thing for them.
But I also tell my kids that everyone has a soul. And that the soul is who you are. That soul is an energy and energy never dies. Which, to me, is also spirit. A spirit can manifest itself into whatever it's next life is to be. Part of me believes in this, part of me doesn't. But right now I find comfort in this for some reason. When they get older, I will get into the deeper stuff. At 6 and 3, this is all they can handle right now.

I also believe your body is not made up to live forever. That is just life. Accidents happen, disease happens, cancer happens. This is the body you live in and once your heart is not beating to sustain it's life, then you are gone. That is why viewings at funeral's are a little creepy to me. That is a just a body. Not that actual "person" you are missing. But I do understand, for some, a viewing is seeing the person for the last time and remembering their time with them. 

Some may say your energy, or spirit, moves onto heaven. My previous thought of your spirit moving into another being or life force can probably be seen as the same thing. But as I said, I really only half believe that.


I have a mish mosh of things swirling in my head! (Confusing? I know!) I still can't say that I have a concrete belief in what happens to you after you pass. Or if anything even does happen. But does anyone really? I think what someone believes has to do a lot with personal comfort. The comfort in believing that we have some place after earth is helpful to people in times of sadness and stress.

We all will pass (which has been more of an in-your-face-reality to me this past year). Maybe it is helpful to just have the comfort in knowing something will happen to you. But it is actually more comforting to me, to know that I do not have to be a saint, or if I am considered a sinner the only one to be able to judge me, is me.

When I pass, maybe my soul will just become love and whenever you think of me and feel that love, you know I am there. That is what my Mom has become. That feeling of Love. Because in the end you are who are and the mark you have left on other's will be the most lasting memory after you are gone.

There is no real ending to these thoughts. Maybe I am just having them and being tested because I do need to do some research as to what I believe. I just know what feels comfortable to me and what doesn't. I am not ashamed of my beliefs and I am not saying I am right or wrong. They feel right to me and that is all that matters. Because in the end all there is, is me and my thoughts.

Yet, I will probably still get a Happy Birthday balloon to send up to Oma. Just so my kids will always have something to remember her birthday by.

Everything isn't always cupcakes and unicorns

Don't get me wrong, I am a busy body. I love staying busy. And I may stay busy taking care of my family or doing crafts or other projects, but sometimes I think I do these just to keep my mind off of some of the sadness I have towards my mom passing. The littlest things just send me into cry mode! For instance...

After having what seemed like only condiments, Greek yogurt, and beer in my fridge getting back from our trip to Arizona, I headed up to the good ol' trusty Aldi's. Now, you do get some creepers and weirdos there, but this time was different. Every aisle I went down I seemed to run into a 40 something woman and her mother shopping together. They ended up in line after me also. They were just talking back and forth on the deals they had gotten and what they did and didn't need in their carts, but they were going to get anyways. I paid for my things, and starting packing it up when it was their turn at the cashier. The mother said "You can just put all of this on my bill." And the daughter protested "Mom! No, I can pay for my own!" And the mom just told her "It's fine! You can spend your money on something else." Then they both looked at each other and gave a sort of "You are silly, but I still love you" sort of smile. I almost lost it! I was holding back the tears so much I had to bite my lip. I know this seems so trivial, but the littlest daughter to mother reactions I see lately just make me miss my mom so much. I know I won't have that Mother-daughter banter anymore. Little old ladies held up by their daughters when they walk into stores or even daughters getting annoyed by the way their older mom is taking forever to make a decision, just really make me miss my mom. She passed away too young for me to enjoy her when she as a cute old lady :).

I am one to hold my head up high and not let anyone see me cry. I like to deal with my feelings when I want to and with whom I want to. Maybe I am keeping it in too much and that is why I bawl at the slightest little old lady interaction. Maybe I need to let it out more, or maybe this is just normal? Either way I have my down days too. Everything isn't always cupcakes and unicorns over here!

Memories will always be there, but they are painful for me right now. I will never see her act goofy again, be silly with my kids, dress up crazy, or even hear her confide in me or tell me something that is on her mind. That is what I am really missing now. So, if you see me pulling out my tissue at the grocery store, library, or a restaurant, know that I will be ok. Even if I don't want to talk about it at that moment. I am just missing Crazy Mary a lot right now.

To end, I thought I would add a mom type comfort treat with a twist!

I know we all love rice krispie treats! But have you tired fruity pebble rice krispie treats?

YUUUUMMMMYYYY!

You make them the same way you make regular rice krispie treats but replace the regular krispies with tasty fruity pebble krispies! This is the recipe I used:

Fruity Pebble Krispie Treats

• 1/4 Cup Butter
• 1 pkg. Regular Marshmallows
• 5 Cups Fruity Pebbles

 Start by melting butter in 3 qt. saucepan. Once butter in melted add marshmallows and stir constantly on medium/low heat until marshmallows are melted as below.

Next dump in the fruity pebbles and stir.

 *One tip I have learned thru the years is to butter the spoon or spatula that you will be stirring the krispies with BEFORE you begin to stir. Believe me-you will thank me when you don't have krispies stuck everywhere!

Last step, smoosh into buttered square pan, let cool, and munch!

No matter what is going on in your day, these will definitely brighten it!

First Post, I know you are excited!

Well, hello! I have always wanted to start a blog, but never thought that anyone would be interested in the things that I am interested in. After searching around, I found that there are a lot of blogs out there that I really enjoy! But they did not put together EVERYTHING that I like to look at and do. I was looking at one blog here, another blog there. I was thinking, "If they were all just on one blog that would be so much easier!". So, here I am creating my own blog. So bare with me if it is a little newbie-ish, but hopefully I will become a seasoned bloggess and you will enjoy this as much as I will.

This year only has a couple months left and boy, am I glad about that!! There has been so much stress, death,and  negative things happening to me and everyone I talk to. My motto for this year is

"2010 can kiss my butt!".

This year started off pretty rough for me. My Mom had a cancer diagnosis in 2000. She had Kidney Cancer and one of her kidney's were removed. She was cancer free for those ten years and then had her Thyroid removed due to polyps found in her thyroid. Those polyps came back with 3 different types of cancer, one including the Kidney Cancer. It came to be that the Kidney Cancer had spread to her thyroid, pancreas, liver and was in Stage 4. Everything went very fast and we lost her very early at the age of 53 on May 24th, 2010. 

My Mom is one of 10 kids! *Yes I have a huge family!* She was one of the hubs for everyone in the family. She was fun loving and an awesome Oma (grandma in German, she insisted my sons called her that, very cute) to her grandkids and loved all of her nieces and nephews.

My Mom holding me, one day old.

Oma and my son oldest son

 She was a Cancer survivor for many years. She also had Ovarian Cancer when I was in high school.

I miss her more than words can say.

 I see a lot of my Mom in myself (whether I like it or not!). Her nickname was Crazy Mary, if that tells you anything of how fun she was. She loved joking around, dancing, and knew how to get a party started. I hope to carry on that legacy :)

 I deal with her passing day by day and hope to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone else out there who has also lost a parent sooner than they expected.

I am currently reading this book, and so far, it is very helpful.

I will also be turning 30! this year! With that, and my Mom passing I have decided to just live life to my best definition of happiness. I have to say, I am still learning. But I am really starting to live by the motto-

You only live once!

Here are a few things that I have been doing to be the person I want to be:

 Dreads!! I began my dread process a couple weeks ago and let me tell you, it is a process! Everyone says let them be, but I have been a hairstylist for 7 years and I am leaving them alone to my best ability. What inspired me is the blog theorganicsister.com. But I got a lot of info on starting them from here. I will let you know how my dreaded journey goes throughout this blog.

The Future Begins Here

I also LOVE tattoos! I have 6 so far, these are my most recent:

One of my best friends, who is a hairdresser too, and I got matching ones. On our inner arms.

I think peacock feathers are beautiful and they also symbolize change in a person's life.

I am hoping there will be more tattoos to follow.

I also LOVE thrifting! I am hoping to get some skirts and dresses with fun patterns and revamp them with my *beginner* tailoring skills! Here are a few of my finds.

All of these clothes plus two shirts, and 3 sheets with fun patterns that I will upcycle

 into something else, for $34! Right On!

*bear with me, my camera is getting fixed and this is a phone pic*

I will end with some things that are keeping me interested and busy!

• My kids cannot get enough of this homemade playdough
• I am going to make a bunch of these upcycled aprons for Christmas presents
• Great way to recycle your movies, books, and video games.
• Purchased one of these, and received it in the mail yesterday can't wait to wear it tomorrow!