Birthdays From The Grave

January 9th. This Sunday. My mom would have been 54.


What do you do on the first birthday of someone who has passed? Throw a mini party? Look for a card you will never send? Cry?

I am not sure since this is the first time I have ever experienced it.


Things have been going good on the aspect of my Mom lately. Too good, at least that is how I feel. After awhile, things just kinda seem normal without her now. That sounds terrible, but I am just trying to be real. How can I dwell on the time without her, when I really did have a lot of time with her?
Don't get me wrong, I miss her A LOT. But after awhile, I realize, I am alive. I have living to do.
There will always be a lingering of my Mom everywhere in my life, but what good does it do me to be sad about it all the time?

Now, it does seem like I am so casually saying these comments like I am over the whole my Mom passing away thing. It is not like that. I am not like this all time. Shoot, not even the majority of the time! These words and phrases are something I feel I should to be telling myself.
There is always something in my life to remind me of her. But I feel like, why be sad about those things? Why not take that memory, scent, picture-whatever it may be-and store it in your memory, or better yet, a journal? That way you will always have something to turn to when you are down and miss her.


My beliefs are being tested from this past year until now. I know my opinions on life and death may offend some people, but I do not apologize for what I believe. Nor should anyone else, but I also do not look down on others for their beliefs, nor should anyone else. 
For a long time I have not believed there was a heaven or there was a hell. My belief in God has not been in my mind for a long time. I am not trying to push buttons by saying this, this is honestly something that I have just felt to my core being for a long time.


Seeing someone pass is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be like a movie. Deep dramatic breathes, tearful goodbyes-but it was nothing like that. Simply, just the stopping of breathe. No sad music, no angels appearing, just silence.


Most believe she is an angel in heaven. Which I do tell my kids. I tell them this because as a kid, when someone passed away and my mom told me they were in heaven, it made me feel a lot better. Whether I believed it at the time or not. The kids and I even send balloons up to Oma on special occasions so she knows what is happening down here (or so my kids say). That is a comfort thing for them.
But I also tell my kids that everyone has a soul. And that the soul is who you are. That soul is an energy and energy never dies. Which, to me, is also spirit. A spirit can manifest itself into whatever it's next life is to be. Part of me believes in this, part of me doesn't. But right now I find comfort in this for some reason. When they get older, I will get into the deeper stuff. At 6 and 3, this is all they can handle right now.

I also believe your body is not made up to live forever. That is just life. Accidents happen, disease happens, cancer happens. This is the body you live in and once your heart is not beating to sustain it's life, then you are gone. That is why viewings at funeral's are a little creepy to me. That is a just a body. Not that actual "person" you are missing. But I do understand, for some, a viewing is seeing the person for the last time and remembering their time with them. 

Some may say your energy, or spirit, moves onto heaven. My previous thought of your spirit moving into another being or life force can probably be seen as the same thing. But as I said, I really only half believe that.


I have a mish mosh of things swirling in my head! (Confusing? I know!) I still can't say that I have a concrete belief in what happens to you after you pass. Or if anything even does happen. But does anyone really? I think what someone believes has to do a lot with personal comfort. The comfort in believing that we have some place after earth is helpful to people in times of sadness and stress.

We all will pass (which has been more of an in-your-face-reality to me this past year). Maybe it is helpful to just have the comfort in knowing something will happen to you. But it is actually more comforting to me, to know that I do not have to be a saint, or if I am considered a sinner the only one to be able to judge me, is me.

When I pass, maybe my soul will just become love and whenever you think of me and feel that love, you know I am there. That is what my Mom has become. That feeling of Love. Because in the end you are who are and the mark you have left on other's will be the most lasting memory after you are gone.

There is no real ending to these thoughts. Maybe I am just having them and being tested because I do need to do some research as to what I believe. I just know what feels comfortable to me and what doesn't. I am not ashamed of my beliefs and I am not saying I am right or wrong. They feel right to me and that is all that matters. Because in the end all there is, is me and my thoughts.

Yet, I will probably still get a Happy Birthday balloon to send up to Oma. Just so my kids will always have something to remember her birthday by.

Up, Then Down

"In real life, serenity depends on coping and coping well. Rising to the occasion... Real life is the collision-day in and day out-of the improbable with the impossible...situations that call forth out coping abilities are "celestial benedictions" in dark disguises, sent not to try our souls, but to enlarge them."

These words really made think more in depth about who I am. When someone close to me passed away, I felt that I questioned my beliefs, myself, and my future. After reading this, it just made me think about the energy that makes me who I am. The daily challenges that are presented to me and why they are there,  it is very interesting. This will keep my mind working...

In turn, this was my horoscope today!



"Sagittarius yours is the sign of new horizons. It's possible that the changes you've been going thru lately aren't completely finished. You may even have a hard time keeping yourself from running away from it all. Your rebirth will only complete after you clearly define your desires. Use today to think about what you want. Things aren't completely clear."

My views are at a turning point, not sure where they will go right now, but seems to be, that I am on the right path to new beginnings.

Well, I think that new beginnings deserve a cookie!

The boy's and I made cookies tonite. And man! they're delicious. They should be, since the recipe is called The Best Chocolate Cookie Recipe Ever!

Alice’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup (2 sticks)  salted butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 3/4 cups (12 oz) all-purpose flour *If at all possible, please weigh the flour
1 tsp. smallish-medium coarse sea salt1 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
2 1/4 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, about 1 1/2 bags.

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Cream butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is nice and fluffy.
Add both eggs and vanilla and beat for an additional 2 minutes.
Add baking soda, baking powder, salt, and flour until cookie batter is fully mixed. 
Finally add chocolate chips until well distributed.  The cookie batter should be somewhat thick. 
Drop about 2 tablespoons of dough or use a medium cookie scoop and plop the batter onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. 
Bake for 12-14 minutes until the edges are nice and golden brown. Remove from heat and allow the cookies to stay on the cookie sheet for an additional 2 minutes. 
Pick up the parchment paper with the cookies still on top and transfer to a cool non-porous surface.  Allow the cookies to cool on the paper for at least 3 minutes before serving. Enjoy! * I didn't have prachment paper, but they still turned out delicious!

Progress.

We like to taste the batter before it is cooked :).

We loved them. (as you can tell!)

I spend  a lot of time in my kitchen. And I do not do anything without some sort of music in the background. So, naturally, we would have kitchen dance parties!

 We had a great one today. Here is a playlist of songs we like to jam out to, in case you want to add them to your kitchen dance party playlist!

• Cousins- Vampire Weekend *on my favorite music video's list
• OMG- Usher  feat. Will I Am.
• Deceptacon- Le Tigre
• Scooby Doo, Where Are You- MxPx
• A-Punk- Vampire Weekend
• Rock That Body- The Black Eyed Peas
• Intergalactic - Beastie Boys 

We like quite a variety of music.

Have so much fun dancing to these! Let me know which ones you would add to your playlist.